Always
by bdd4evr
Summary: One shot. Set immediately after Demonology. Emily tells her secret to JJ. Femslash. Please read and review.


It had been a rough day and Emily couldn't wait to stop being Supervisory Special Agent Emily Prentiss and just be Emily. She barely had time to register her old friend John Cooley telling her that their mutual friend Matthew Bennett was dead when John started telling her about Matthew's strange behavior in the days prior to his death. Matthew had been afraid that someone was trying to kill him and, though the ME officially ruled his death was the result of a heart attack, in the end Matthew had been right. Emily somehow had set aside her grief to work with her team to find the man responsible, not only for Matthew's death, but for the death of two other men. And Father Solano, allegedly acting under the guise of God and faith, had almost killed John too. But in the end justice had prevailed and, though Father Solano would never be charged for any crime in the United States, the priest had been deported back to Italy where he possibly faced charges from the Italian authorities. At the very least, one would hope he would be reprimanded by the Catholic church for the unsanctioned exorcisms that he had performed - especially since they had resulted in death.

One of the members of her team, David Rossi, had offered to give her a lift home from John's house after the team had intervened and saved John during the priest's last exorcism attempt, but Emily had declined. She really needed time to absorb all that had happened since she found out Matthew had died. So, even though it was snowing, she decided to take a walk to be alone with her thoughts. Emily didn't have a clue as to how long she had been walking but when she finally became aware of her surroundings again, she found herself standing in front of a Catholic church. Perfect she thought. Emily stood there wondering if she should go in, thoughts of Matthew and John and their time as teenagers in Rome playing in her mind. She pulled out a picture she had found of the three of them from her pocket trying to remember those days before life became so very complicated. It was snowing and cold outside and she knew she should be freezing but she was numb and completely oblivious to frigid temperature. That was when she noticed a small drop of blood had landed on the picture as she was staring at it. Emily brought her hand to her nose and, when she brought it back down, she noticed it was bloodied.

"You okay?" came a familiar voice from behind her.

Startled from her thoughts, Emily turned around to find JJ leaning against a street post staring at her. Although Emily hadn't told anyone where she was going - in fact JJ hadn't been on scene at all when she left- she wasn't surprised that JJ had found her. JJ somehow always knew how to find her and when she needed to be found. That's was one of the many things that Emily loved about her girlfriend. Fishing a tissue out of her pocket, JJ approached Emily and handed it to her. Emily took the tissue and carefully wiped the blood from her nose.

"Thank you. What are you doing here?" asked Emily.

"Come on, Em. You think I'd let you handle this alone? Why is your nose bleeding?" asked JJ extending her arm so she could lift Emily's chin to get a better look.

"Not sure. I'm hoping it's stress and not that there was something in that damn priest's Holy Water. Are they having it tested?"

"Yes. When I got to the scene, I heard Hotch tell the locals to make sure they did so. You didn't answer my question." JJ said moving even closer to the woman that she loved.

"What question was that?" asked Emily. She was always amazed at the compassion that JJ exuded when she was speaking to people when she knew they were hurting. And Emily was hurting.

Staring into Emily's eyes, JJ moved her hand over to gently hold Emily's cheek and caress it with her thumb, as she repeated, "Are you okay?"

Leaning into JJ's hand, Emily said "No, but I will be." Emily then gave JJ a little half smile and said, "I'm much better than I was 5 minutes ago."

JJ leaned in and kissed Emily. It was slow and lingering and filled with the love that they shared together. There was no rush to it, JJ just wanted to make Emily feel how loved and needed she was. Emily parted her lips slightly allowing JJ to deepen the kiss. After a minute or so, JJ breathlessly withdrew from the embrace and looked deep into her lover's eyes.

"And how 'bout now?" she asked, one of her eyebrows peaked mischievously

"Much, much better." Emily said with slight hint of a smile. "Thanks I really needed that. It's been a little rough lately."

"You know we're standing in front of a Catholic church smiting God.", said JJ with a slight smile

"I don't really care. You can't tell me that what we share is wrong. I've had issues with the church for a very long time. Matthew dying just brought it all back." Emily said with a touch of sadness in her voice.

"I would never tell you what we share is wrong. Want to go home and talk about it? It's getting colder out here."

"Okay." Emily sighed, "I've really got a lot to tell you. You've always asked about my past, what it was like growing up and traveling all over the world. I've always shied away from that subject but I think I'm ready to talk about it now." she continued.

"You know what they say, confession is good for the soul." Emily added trying so hard to smile.

"The car is around the corner. Let me get you home and we can talk about it...if you want." JJ wanted to make sure that Emily knew that this was her decision and no one else's.

Emily was so tired that she fell asleep in the car on the way back to their home. Though JJ could see how exhausted her girlfriend was, she couldn't help but notice just how beautiful and peaceful Emily looked sleeping with her head tilted against the window. Her almost black hair cascaded around her face causing quite a contrast between it and the paleness of her skin. But JJ knew that the woman she loved was facing her own personal hell. What exactly was plaguing Emily she didn't know, but she knew it was something that Emily had kept buried for a very long time. She had her ideas but also knew that Emily would tell her when she was ready and, since it didn't seem to greatly affect their relationship, JJ wasn't about to pry it out of her.

Once they arrived, JJ gently tucked the hair behind Emily's ear and softly said her name to wake her.

"Are we home?" asked a sleepy Emily

"Yes, baby, we're home. Let's get you inside. You have to be freezing." JJ said with concern

Emily hadn't been cold standing in front of the church but now that the adrenaline had started to wear off and, considering how cold it was, she was beginning to shiver uncontrollably. They went inside and JJ went immediately to the kitchen to put the teakettle on. She then reached into their liquor cabinet and grabbed a bottle of scotch and a glass. She poured a couple of shots worth into the glass and walked back into their living room. Emily was just sitting on the couch looking a little like a grown up Wednesday Addams, arms wrapped around herself, shaking. JJ sat the glass of scotch down on the table and helped Emily take her coat off. Emily could not stop trembling. It was as if the bitter cold had seeped down into her bones and she was never going to get warm.

JJ handed the glass of scotch to Emily, more than a little afraid it was going to be dropped by the trembling profiler, and reached over her to grab the blanket that was thrown over the back of the couch. She sat down beside her girlfriend and wrapped her arms around her to help Emily get warm. JJ lifted Emily's hands to her mouth to encourage her to take a sip of the amber colored liquid.

"Come on, baby, take a sip. It will warm you from the inside out." JJ said.

"I can't stop shaking, Jayj. I'm trying but I can't."

"I know. It'll be okay. It's the cold, the adrenaline, and everything that has happened recently. Keep drinking the scotch and I'll go make you some tea."

By the time JJ got back with Emily's tea the scotch had been downed. Emily gave JJ a half-hearted smile when she was handed her cup of tea.

"Thanks for taking such good care of me." Emily said watching the stream rise from her cup. She couldn't bring herself to look at JJ.

"I love you, Em. We take care of each other.", replied JJ gently placing her hand on the top of Emily's knee.

"When I was 15 my mother accepted a post in Rome." Emily began suddenly, needing to tell JJ why this was troubling her so much. She had never really told JJ about her childhood preferring to ignore her past.

"It was the tenth time we had moved that I could remember. Never getting a chance to settle down and lay some roots is hard especially on a teenager. Always being the new kid, you try so desperately to fit in. Matthew and John befriended me and became my almost constant companions." Emily said still staring at her cup of tea now growing tepid in her hands.

Emily took a deep breath and continued, "I did something stupid, JJ. I lost my virginity to John. I didn't love him. It wasn't one of those Romeo and Juliet things. I wasn't even sure how I felt about boys yet. I was just an insecure kid trying to be accepted."

JJ, feeling that Emily needed to get this all out, just kept her hand on Emily's knee rubbing small circles with her thumb. With the contact, JJ wanted Emily to know that she was there for her and that she had her support. JJ was never going to judge anything that Emily had done.

Emily placed the cup on the table in front of her and finally lifted her head to look JJ in the eye. She hadn't been this nervous when she had this same conversation with David Rossi and she knew it was because with JJ, she had so much more to lose. JJ met Emily's stare and nodded for her to continue guessing what Emily was going to tell her next.

"JJ, I got pregnant. John wasn't there for me. I couldn't tell my parents. Matthew suggested I talk to our priest and when that turned into a disaster, he helped me find a doctor to perform an abortion. I couldn't have a child, JJ. I was only 15. It would have changed everything. College, my life, all would have been completely different. I wasn't ready for that kind of responsibility. Giving the baby up for adoption would have meant everyone would have known. It was really my only choice. I hope you understand that it was the right decision for me at the time." Emily said it all in one breath wanting to get it out as fast as she could. She looked at JJ searching for a sign, any sign of how JJ felt about what she had just said.

Once JJ was sure that Emily was done speaking, JJ took her girlfriend's hands into her own. Taking a deep breath, she said,

"Emily, you were young and naive. I was once too. We all were. Some of us manage to escape without getting burned. You did not. It's okay. I probably would have made the same decision if I were in your shoes. I'm sure you came to terms with this many years ago but Matthew's death just brought it all back. "

"I thought I had come to terms with this. The guilt was overwhelming. I was ashamed. But Matthew was so good, he really helped me through it but in the end, I think it really made him question his own beliefs. I know it made me start to question mine. What if what I did led him to where he ended up?"

"Emily, you can't think like that. Anything that happened to Matthew was under his own control."

"I'm really going to hell, you know" Emily said with a resigned laugh that was really more of a sigh. "I had sex before marriage, I had an abortion, and, well, I'm gay."

"I'll meet you there, my love." JJ said trying to make Emily smile

It worked and Emily gave JJ a slight smile as her reward.

"I used to believe that I had my chance and blew it. That I never had the chance to be pregnant again because of what I did twenty years ago. That God didn't want to give me a second chance."

"You never got pregnant again, Em, because you haven't had sex with a man since college. Plus, before me, the phrase committed relationship wasn't exactly part of your vocabulary."

"Oh yeah. That's probably a better explanation."

"It is but I'll tell you what. If you really want children, I'm open for that discussion another time."

"Really, Jayj?"

"Really, Em. I think you'd be a great mom. I've told you before, I can see it. You, kids, yeah, I can definitely see it." JJ said as she leaned into Emily and kissed her. JJ ran her tongue lightly across Emily's bottom lip and Emily opened her mouth deepening the kiss, their tongues moving in unison as one. Breaking apart, JJ moved to Emily's neck, slowly kissing along the slope and down her clavicle.

"I love you, Emily." JJ murmured as she slowly started to undo the top button on Emily's blouse, feeling the now remarkably warm skin beneath her fingers.

"Jayj, are you really okay with what I did?"

JJ reluctantly stopped what she was doing, sat back, and looked into Emily's eyes, gently tucking the hair behind her ear so she could really see the face of the woman she loved so very much.

"Emily Prentiss. You were a kid. You made a dumb mistake. An even bigger one would have been having the baby, not going to college, and not becoming who you are today. You forgave yourself a long time ago. You need to remember that. You are a good person and this one mistake doesn't take that all away. At least not in my eyes."

Emily breathed a sigh of relief. This was not a subject that she liked to bring up. In fact, JJ made only the fifth person in the world that knew this about Emily's past: Matthew, John, her former priest, David Rossi, and now, most importantly, JJ.

"Honestly, this isn't even the biggest secret that you have." JJ said with a seductive glint in her eyes. "I personally know of a much bigger one. Now, if you're ready to put that back in the past where it belongs, I've got something more present – and pleasant - that I'd rather be doing." JJ said resuming her previous position on Emily's collarbone, smiling as she gently pressed kisses onto the beautiful profilers skin.

"JJ, I'm so relived you feel that way, that you still love me. That you still want to be with me."

"Always, Emily....Always."

And with that, the blonde stood up, extended her hand, nodded her head towards the stairs that led to their bedroom, and proceeded to show Emily just how much she loved her for the rest of the night.


End file.
